Meet my Nemesis

To deviate from design briefly, I am having a moment with a J. Crew model. Not a positive moment.

I am in constant awe of J. Crew as a company. Their evolution since I was in high school (or perhaps even middle school?) is extraordinary. CEO Micky Drexler is a thing of wonder. To say nothing of media darling/President and Creative Director Jenna Lyons. Not only does J. Crew have brand loyalty and a clearly defined point of view that strike me as virtually unparalleled in the fashion industry (at least within their price point range), they continue to successfully branch out into new and exciting areas. I admit, I was skeptical when they debuted their Collection line. I balked at the price points and wondered if their Upper East Side store could compete with its Haute Couture neighbors. But I was dead wrong. Their merchandise flies of the shelves (or etageres to be precise) and the Jimmy Choo crowd practically trample each other to scoop up new season duds. And In Good Company is pure marketing genius.

So now that I've praised J. Crew, here's my problem. Her. She is my problem:

Source: J. Crew

Why is she looking at me like that? It's so...smug.

None of the other J. Crew models have a problem with me. In fact, they're all pretty chill and fun to hang with.

Source: J. Crew

See? Sure, she's got awesome hair and perfect style, but she's not afraid to laugh at herself. Or at Peanuts comics. And sometimes she runs out of the house without brushing her hair in the morning. Hey! It's what busy, laid-back girls do.

Source: J. Crew

Or her! She is listening so intently to my story about the sweaty guy on the subway who did not respect my personal space. And when I finish piling on the excessive detail, she will look indignant and say, "Oh my god. I can't believe he did that. That is SO gross" because she is a kind, diligent and sympathetic friend. With a fabulous colorblock sweater.

Source: J. Crew

And this girl's got some pretty wild ideas on eco-friendly cleaning: "Personally, I like to bring all my dirty dishes into the shower with me to conserve water." Personally, I prefer to limit dishwasher use to 1/wk, but whatever floats your boat! Major props for walking the walk on green living, lady. (I just hope she doesn't extend the shower power principle to Leather Trim Peacoats. Dry clean only, please.)

Source: J. Crew

This lovely lady was so excited to see me on my recent trip to Tokyo, that not only did she meet me at the subway station with flowers, she wore her best sparkly pants for the occasion! You really just can't have enough girlfriends like that.

Ms. Stripey Shirt at my recent dinner party: "Did you seriously make this onion dip from scratch? Wow. Alex, remind me again why you're not a professional caterer? Get thee to a culinary institute!" Oh stop. Flattery will get you everywhere.

But let's check in on my nemesis again. What's she up to?

Well, here she's just finished yawning because my hair color is so dull she claims it's "literally" putting her to sleep:

Source: J. Crew

Here she's judging me because my hips are 6x the width of her hips. (Side note: they have to make these clothes custom for her, right? Because J. Crew sizing has increased considerably in the past 5 years. And I don't think I've ever seen a 0000 on the racks...)

Source: J. Crew

Oh and here? Here she's plotting to steal my boyfriend and my job:

Source: J. Crew

And my little dog too?! Yup.

Source: J. Crew

Seriously. I love J. Crew. But someone has got to tell this model to smile and cool it with the judgy eyebrow raise. If I wanted to feel bad about myself, I would go buy Vogue.

FYI, this does not count as smiling. It's called gloating. And it's not appreciated.

Source: J. Crew